Várólistára tette 2
Népszerű idézetek
– Really I shouldn’t say “everybody,” Because most people are not here. By a pretty huge majority, most people are not here. Most people are in China, actually. It’s true. Actually, that’s not true. Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true. Out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people. And you’re all gonna die, and… and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than your life. Like, that’s mostly What you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people That didn’t die yet.
– Ray Charles is dead. Hitler. Bunch of other ones. But mostly those two guys. And… It’s true. Ray Charles and Hitler are both dead. And really it’s the only thing they have in common, because otherwise they’re very different dudes. Many contrasts between Hitler And Ray Charles. I’m gonna tell you a few of ’em. Um, Ray Charles was black. Hitler was not. Hitler killed several Jews. Too many. I’ll say too many. He killed an excessive amount of Jews. He really… Beat that thing to the ground. He killed way- He just-no moderation. Ray Charles, meanwhile, hardly any Jews. He killed so few Jews.
– We have these phones that you Can call in an air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It’s amazing, this shit, And it’s wasted On the shittiest generation of piece of shit assholes That ever fucking lived. I swear to God. We are. We’re the worst people so far. Because we have This beautiful thing, And we hate it. We’re just- “Fucking thing. ” I don’t- Never saw a person going, “Look at what my phone can do. ” Nobody does that. They all go- “Fucking thing, it sucks. I can’t get it to-” Give it a second, Would you? Could you give it a second? It’s going to space. Can you give it a second To get back from space? Is the speed of light Too slow for you? You non-contributing, Product sponge cunt? Can you just wait? Can you just take A little breath? Just wait for that picture of Axl Rose to get on your phone. Like it even fucking mattered What you were doing. Like it was even important. We’re all just so mad. “I hate my phone. It sucks!” No, it doesn’t. It’s amazing. The shittiest cell phone In the world Is a miracle. Your life sucks Around the phone. Why are you so mad at it?
– Bitching about flying. “I had to pay For my sandwich.” You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair In the sky. You’re like a Greek myth Right now. “But it doesn’t Go back very far, And it’s sort of Squishing my knees.” The Wright Brothers would kick us all right in the cunt If they knew. If-if you could go back In time to Orville Wright And go, “hey, dude, I had to sit On the runway for 40 minutes. ” And he’d be like, “Oh, shit, Well, let’s Not even bother, then.” “Hey, Wendell, shut it down. “They make you wait for a bit. That hardly seems worth it.”There’s always delays. That’s what everybody Complains about. There’s always delays When I fly. Really? Delays. It’s too slow. Air travel’s too slow. New York to California In six hours. That used to take 30 years, To do that, And a bunch of you would die On the way there. You’d get shot in the neck With an arrow and you’d go- And fall down. And the other passengers Would just bury you And put a stick there with your Hat on it and keep walking. And one of ’em Would fuck your wife And have three babies. And all the old people Would die. You’d be a whole different Group of people By the time You got to California. Now you watch An Adam Sandler movie And you take a big, runny dump And you’re there.
– “Dude, it was amazing. It was amazing. ” really? You were amazed? You were amazed by A basket of chicken wings? Really? Amazing. What are you gonna- What are you gonna do With the rest of your life now? What if something Really happens to you? What if Jesus comes down From the sky And makes love to you All night long, And leaves the new, Living lord in your belly? What are you gonna call that? You used “amazing” On a basket of chicken wings. You’ve limited yourself verbally To a shit life.
– They have-their kids- They’re, like, Consumers of their kids. Like, they want to call Customer service. “Why does he play Video games all day? I don’t understand Why he plays video-” Maybe ’cause you bought him A fucking video game, You idiot. Throw it a- Throw it away! Who told you That was a good idea? A developing mind. Fucking idiots. My kids don’t even Watch television. And when I tell Most other parents that, You know what they say? They go, “Aw, fuck you. ” Why? “Just ’cause fuck you. “Fucking hippie weirdo. “They’re gonna Grow up weirdos. “‘Cause they don’t watch Just fucking anger and colors Screaming in their face. ”
– “Daddy, does the earth Go around the sun?” And I was like, “yeah. ” She goes, “does it do it All the time?” And I go, “yeah. ” She says, “will the earth always Go around the sun forever?” And I was like, “Well, no, at some point, The sun’s gonna explode.” She’s seven years old. Do you understand how horrible that is? She started crying immediately. Crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity. And here’s how I tried to save it. I go, “oh, honey, This isn’t gonna happen “Until you And everybody you know Has been dead For a very long time.” She didn’t know any of those things, and now she knows all of those things. She’s gonna die. Everybody she knows is gonna die. They’re gonna be dead for a very long time, And then the sun’s gonna explode. She learned all that in 12 seconds at the age of seven. She took it pretty well. I was proud of her. She’s like, “oh. Dude.” “Okay, well… I guess I’ll go play.
