Kedvencelte 1
Várólistára tette 5
Népszerű idézetek
But I was seven years old, I didn't know what life was.
I didn't know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? So I thought I'd ask my dad 'cause he can fix a computer, so he must know.
So I was like, „Dad, what do we all do? What's the meaning of life? Why are we all here? What what the fuck?” And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that he'll understand, but unfortunately, his son's a fuckhead.
So he has to explain it in a way that a fuckhead will understand, and he accidentally did it perfectly, and it's stuck with me since then.
This is what he said, right? I'm seven years old.
He goes, "All right, buddy. Just imagine that your life, my life, everyone else's individual life. Imagine all of our lives are like our own individual jigsaw puzzles. As we're going through life, we're just slowly piecing it together, bit by bit, based on experiences and lessons that we've learned, until we get the best picture, but the thing is everyone has also lost the box for their jigsaw. So none of us know what the image we're trying to make is, we're just confidently fucking guessing. So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you don't have the image to work off, is to start from the outside, the sides and the four corners. Family. Friends. Hobbies/interests. Job. Now obviously, as you go through life, some of these bits are subject to change. Sometimes you'll make new friends, and you'll lose contact with old so you gotta move this corner around a bit. Sometimes you'll get a job.
That means you can't have a certain hobbies. You gotta decide then, „Do I want more me time or do I want more work time?” You gotta move the stuff around. Sometimes you'll have a family member that dies, and they'll leave a big hole in your life. In that moment you'll have to find a way to fill that void, otherwise you'll be incomplete forever."
Now, that made perfect sense to me, because I was seven years old. I fucking loved jigsaws.
So I was like, „All right, okay. So once you've got the stuff on the outside, what's the main bit of the image? What we are all working towards?” And he goes, „Well, that's That's the partner piece. You and this perfect person who you've never met before to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me.”
Seven. Seven years old. I wish you just said, „Ice cream!” And we could have fucked off.
And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, „If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole.” And that's not just something my dad made me feel, that's something that we as a society have made every single child born in the last 40 years feel.
Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has a princess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn't want to be in a relationship. They're happy with who they are. But then by the end of the series, guess what. They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, what a fucking idiot. Everyone needs someone, yeah.
They were just a toasty little marshmallow, weren't they? It's all to do with love.
Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrong with.
When you're growing up and your friends' parents get divorced, you're told to not talk about it or mention it to them because it's taboo, and it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck we're doing.
And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everything's perfect on the outside, when you've raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, we're so terrified.
We're so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jam them into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly don't fit.
Oh, we'll move pieces out the way, I don't need this hobby, I don't need this opinion.
Mom who? The bitch with the tits. What's she done for me recently? I'm gonna force this fucking person into our lives because we'd much rather have something than nothing.
Then five years later, you're stood looking at a jigsaw you don't recognize, being like, „Ah! There's a fucking cunt in the middle of this.”
[…]
From the bottom of my heart, I believe that 80% of relationships in the world, and therefore this room, are horseshit.
A bunch of people who never took time to learn how to be alone, therefore never learned how to love themselves, so you employed someone else to do it.
(2 – Jigsaw)
My parents will say the most horrific things at the most inappropriate times. And the reason they do this, by the way, isn't to belittle the victim or to make fun of the tragedy, or any of those other reasons nerds will tell you why people make dark jokes. The reason they do it is they are trying to bring a level of humanity – laughter – back to a moment that seems to lack it – tragedy. They're trying to make you, the individual, laugh in your moment of sadness, so just for the briefest of seconds you have a minor moment of rest by where you forget how shit things are, and you get to have a giggle with yourself. But what that does manifest itself as is they say fucked up things.
Now I'm of the opinion that if you do not love 100% of who I am, off you fucking fuck. That's not arrogance, that's not narcissism. That's the way every single person in this room should feel about themselves, because if you do not love 100% of who I am, you do not love me. You love an idea of me, which you have falsely fabricated in your head and it is not my fault I do not live up to those expectations.
Religion was something that you were allowed to poke fun off when I grew up, and then I came to America, and I'm like: „It'll be the same here.”
I phoned an American agent and I'm like, "I can tell the atheist joke in Indiana, right? And she said, „Under no circumstance tell that joke in Indiana,” so I went to Indiana and I told the joke.
[…]I'm used to having jokes I do not go down as well as I wanted them. Well, what I was not used to was the reaction. My first punchline of many in Indiana. Got to the first punchline.
Forty out of a hundred people immediately left the room, right? Yeah. And not in the British way of like, „Ooh, this isn't for us, we should quietly and respectfully leave.” They left in the American way of like, „Fuck you!” And gone.
And it's important to note that the 60 people that remained weren't all fans. Okay? Some of them were just very stubborn. Like, they hated me, but not as much as they loved saying „Damn.” There was a real moral dilemma for them. They're like, „This is awful. But I do love this. This is, this is excellent.”
No, I'm not an intelligent person by any stretch.
So I was like, „Maybe I'll win them over with the harsher punchlines.” Oh, God, I'll get them.
No, not at all.
There's a man in the front row who was so upset by the joke, his only way of letting me know how angry he was, was to lift up his shirt, show me his gun and say, „You're lucky I don't shoot you!” Now where I come from, we don't call that luck. We call that society. I run my mouth off every day, never been shot in the head, right? I've never seen a gun in my life, in my life at this point. [….] I'm terrified. I've never seen a gun before. And this is what I love about your country, right? So I think there is one stereotype that is true for most of you and it's the friendliness, right? There is just that sense of friendliness and there's another American man, he was realistically as upset by this joke as this man, but he stood up for me and he did so in the most American way possible. Proper, big American, big beard. Looked like he ate pancakes and shat freedom. He stood up and went, „Hey, you, hey, little boy.” A bit condescending. „Lil' boy. Hey! I might not agree with what you're saying. Loved you in Home Alone. Thought that was spot-on. I may not agree with what you're saying, but this is America. This is the land of the free speech. So you keep telling your joke and you just ignore him. 'Cause if he shoots you, I'll shoot him.” Not before? Like, if you're taking requests before really works for me.
(1 – Dark)
I have three younger siblings, two younger brothers and my sister Josie. […] She's in a wheelchair. You can be uncomfortable as you want, doesn't change the fact that it's a fact. Josie has cerebral palsy. […] She's two years younger than me. She can't walk. She can't talk. She's still a very happy, joyous young woman. […] People sometimes get uncomfortable when you talk about disability. And I know why that is, it's because you've not experienced it every day. It's a bit unusual. I cannot stand the fact that I have to tailor the way I talk. People say to you, disability is never funny, never funny. […] But to say disability is never funny, to me, that is dehumanizing. You are saying that these people are not capable of doing something which you are capable of doing and that's laughing at the situation you're in. Of course, they're able to do that, they're human beings. The reason YOU say disability is never funny, because it makes YOU uncomfortable and you don't know how to deal with that. Instead of dealing with it rationally, you've nominated yourself to be offended on behalf of people who you think are weaker than you, so you decided to stand up for them. And nobody asked you to do that. […] Who are you being offended on behalf of? It's not you, it's not me, you're being offended on behalf of my sister. MY sister. She didn't ask you to do that. I didn't ask you to do that. When you get offended or react like that to the way I talk about my sister, subconsciously it's your way of letting me know that you think the way I talk about my sister comes from a malicious or angry or hateful place. You have no right to tell me how I feel about my sister. I'm very aware that I love her. So I'll describe her in anyway I fucking please, get off your high horse. Nobody asked you to be Batman.
Every opinion I have is not going to resonate with 100% of people that attend 100% of my audiences. Which is why I make sure that I craft and tell my jokes in such way that if you are offended by them, it's because you are wrong. But nonetheless, just because we believe that different things happen to us after we die, doesn't mean we can't be kind to each other while we live.
Do you know that he calls his penis the Sloss Ness Monster? Yeah, because no one's ever seen it.
In the future, when you lose someone… which you all will, spoiler alert. Everyone you love will die one day and there's nothing you can do to prevent, except for maybe die first. Stop yourself the pain and give them it. Fun, fun, fun.
Laughter is not the opposite of sadness. Happiness is the opposite of sadness, alright? Laughter is a reaction. It's free to exist in both.
