The Lightning Thief – The Percy Jackson Musical (2017) 83% 3★

Annabeth: We need a place to sleep.
Percy: How about that? The „Lotus Hotel”.
Annabeth: You're joking, right? In the Odyssey, if you slept in a Lotus bed, one night could last a hundred years!
Percy: I'm sure that's irrelevant. *he sees Bianca* Excuse me, Miss? How long have you been here?
Bianca di Angelo: Oh, my brother and I just arrived yesterday. May 1st. In 1949.
Percy: We will sleep on the road.

Percy: Who is your dad?
Annabeth: He is a history professor.
Percy: So he is human? But I thought…
Annabeth: My mom is Athena. The goddess of wisdom. Sexist, much?
Percy: No, no, I love girls!

ANNABETH (while Percy is trying to figure out with Grover what is wrong with their map):
It's strange
Sometimes I think I'm dreaming
It's messed up, but he's kinda cute
When he's angry and all screamy
He's so weird
But a good weird

Our parents' paths are pushing us apart
And my head is always
stronger than my heart
If only he would say something
that was remotely smart!

PERCY (spoken):
I got it. The map was upside down

ANNABETH:
Ugh!

Sally: What happened on the field trip?
Grover: He met a fury!
Percy: You're a furry!

ANNABETH (Spoken)
You know the only gift my mom ever gave me?
A hat that makes you invisible
You put it on and no one can see you
Seemed appropriate

(sung)
I've always been a smart girl
Always made the grade, always got the gold star
I've always been a smart girl
But smart girl only gets a girl so far
You win at every single game
You want a quest, they tell you tough
If you don't go you'll never know if you'll ever be good enough

My grand plan
Is that I will be remembered
My grand plan
Just you wait and see
You better wise up, cause I'll rise up
Bring on any challenge
And someday soon someone will notice me

I've always been a tough girl
Always been the one not to run from a fight
Always been a tough girl
Cause most girls never win if they're polite
So me, I tend to stand my ground
I found I never can give in
It may not be my quest but maybe it's mine to win

My grand plan
Is that I will be remembered
My grand plan
Just you wait and see
You better wise up, cause I'll rise up
Bring on any challenge
And someday soon the world will notice me

And your stepmom treats you like some freak
And your dad won't give you the time of day
And your mom won't trust you with a quest
So the best thing you can do is run away
Run away

But I have a plan
And I will be remembered
I will be brave
Just wait and see
You better wise up, cause I'll rise up
Bring on any challenge

And someday soon I swear
I don't know how or when
But I promise you I'll never be invisible again
Someone will notice
Me

I've always been a smart girl

PERCY (spoken)
Guys, we just exploded a bus!

ANNABETH (spoken)
Yep

PERCY (spoken)
–that was being attacked by demon triplet math teachers.

ANNABETH (spoken)
Oh yeah

PERCY (spoken)
Is the whole trip going to be like this?

ANNABETH (spoken)
I hope so!

(sung)
Hades is sending his monsters after us
We're doing something right

GROVER
All our food was in there
All our clothes were in there
All our food was in there!

PERCY
Sit tight

ANNABETH
Look, I made an itinerary for any adversary
Drawn from the quests of heroes past
It's right here in my pocket

PERCY
It's where in your pocket?

ANNABETH
Oops. It got busted in the blast

PERCY
What did it say?

ANNABETH
Take that bus
To Los Angeles

PERCY
We're not on the bus

ANNABETH (spoken)
I know.

GROVER
To Los Angeles

PERCY
We blew up the bus

ANNABETH
I know!

GROVER
To Los Angeles

PERCY
So what are we supposed to do?

ANNABETH
Wait for another bus?

PERCY
What if we blow up that one too?

ALL
We're lost in the woods
Somewhere in New Jersey
And we're never gonna make it to LA
We're lost-

ANNABETH
And it's cold

GROVER
And it won't stop raining

PERCY
Let's just go

GROVER
No, not that way

ANNABETH
No backup plan

GROVER
No food

PERCY
No phone

ALL
No adult supervision

We're lost in the woods
And we'll never leave New Jersey
If none of us are making a decision!

GROVER
It's not safe to stay out here in the open
When monsters are hoping to eat us alive

PERCY
How do they know where we are
When we don't even know?
How are we gonna survive?

ANNABETH
It's your smell.

PERCY (spoken)
I don't smell.

GROVER
Dude, like listen, please
Half-bloods to monsters smell like Mickey D's

PERCY (spoken)
We smell?

GROVER
Like tacos or take-out Vietnamese

ANNABETH
So hopefully they just ate

PERCY
Fantastic gang, well
I don't wanna die in the garden state!

ALL
We're lost in the woods
Somewhere in New Jersey
And we're never gonna make it to LA

We're lost and it's dark
And I think that something's moving!
And I think it's coming this way

ANNABETH (spoken)
Is it a monster?

GROVER (spoken)
It's a squirrel

[GROVER and SQUIRREL chitter together]

PERCY (spoken)
Dude, are you talking to a squirrel?

GROVER (spoken)
Satyr powers. Be nice. This squirrel knows every corner of the woods. Maybe he can help us.

PERCY (spoken)
Really? Cause I think that seems kinda… nuts.

[SQUIRREL stops chittering]

GROVER (spoken)
You hurt his feelings. Tell the squirrel you're sorry.

PERCY (spoken)
I am not saying sorry to a squirrel.

ANNABETH (spoken)
He's very sorry. Tell the squirrel you're sorry, Percy.

PERCY (spoken)
Okay, okay, I am sorry.

[SQUIRREL resumes chittering]

PERCY (spoken)
What's he saying?

GROVER (spoken)
He says he knows where we are!

PERCY (spoken)
Where are we?

GROVER (spoken)
He says

(sung)
We're lost in the woods
Somewhere in New Jersey
And we're never gonna make it to LA

(spoken) Thanks buddy!

PERCY (spoken)
I think the gods are trying to tell me they hate me.

ANNABETH (spoken)
I'm getting that too.

PERCY
Hungry monsters on the ground

ANNABETH
Angry gods are in the sky

GROVER
No safe places to be found

ALL
Wanna run, wanna cry

PERCY
Can't go back to any home

ANNABETH
Camp is way too far away

GROVER
Can't protect my only friends

ALL
No place to go
No place to stay

We're lost in the world
And the world is freaking awful
And we're never gonna make it to LA

We're lost
We're just kids
We're alone
This is impossible

Who put the fate of the world
In the hands of
Three unprepared scared half-bloods
It's crazy

ANNABETH
So pick a direction

GROVER
It's your quest

PERCY
A direction?

ANNABETH
We trust you!

GROVER
A direction!

PERCY
A direction?

ANNABETH
A direction! Whatever you decide

PERCY
Whatever I decide

GROVER
Whatever, dude, decide

PERCY (spoken)
There! I have a good feeling about there.

AUNTIE M
Children, come inside!

LUKE (spoken)
Come on, grab some ambrosia, and let the nectar flow

PERCY (spoken)
Why is everyone scraping part of their plate into the fire?
Is the food here really that bad?

LUKE (spoken)
Offering to the gods. It's not enough that their omnipotent and all-powerful,
they need to feel appreciated. To the gods!

ENSEMBLE (spoken)
To the gods!

LUKE
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe

ALL
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

LUKE
My dad is Hermes
He messengers things
You'll know his sign by his shoes with those wings
I'd wait by the phone, but the phone never rings
Oh no

[ENSEMBLE makes noises of agreement]

When your dad's a god, life can be tough
I met the guy once, and once was enough

(spoken) Annabeth?

ANNABETH
My mom's Athena
She's smart and she's wise
She's sworn off gluten and she's sworn off guys
But if she came to camp, it'd be a surprise
Oh no

LUKE AND KATIE: Oh no

Oh, and my stepmom, she hates me, and my dad works all day
So I left Virginia and I ran away

PERCY (spoken) Wait, is that true?

LUKE (spoken) Everybody!

ALL
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe

Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

LUKE
Alright, who's next?

KATIE (spoken)
Oh! Okay, let me see…

(sung)
My mom's Demeter
Goddess of grain
She gets excited when it starts to rain
But planting and planting and planting's a pain
Oh no

ENSEMBLE: Oh no

(spoken) Right?

(sung)
For their sixteenth birthday, my friends got a car
I got a fern in some dumb mason jar

GROVER (spoken) Ooh, ooh! My turn!

(sung)
I'm a child of Pan
God of the wild
For those who love nature, they're often beguiled
He's not really my dad, but I'm sort of his child…
Oh no…

ENSEMBLE: Oh no

He went for a hike to explore new frontiers
And no one has seen him for thousands of years

ALL
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe

Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

PERCY (spoken) Chiron! Who's your dad?

CHIRON (spoken) Oh, well

(sung)
My father is Kronos
Remember my lecture
He ate his children

LUKE (spoken)
Chiron wins

[ENSEMBLE makes noises of agreement]

How about you Silena?

SILENA
The goddess of love
My mom's Aphrodite
She tries to be cool but mainly she's flighty
I'll bring home a boy, and she's there in her nightie

ENSEMBLE Oh no!

(spoken) It's so embarrassing, guys!

(sung)
I tried to seek help from even the fates
Cause she steals my mascara and all of my dates

LUKE (spoken)
Alright Percy, it's your turn

PERCY (spoken)
If I tried to sing, it'll probably cause an avalanche

LUKE (spoken)
Oh, we're all friends here. Come on, give it a shot

PERCY
My mom was named Sally
She loved scary movies
And food that was blue
And-

KATIE (spoken)
He's doing it wrong

SILENA (spoken)
Yeah, who's your godly parent?

PERCY (spoken)
Oh… I don't know

LUKE (spoken)
It's alright A lot of half-bloods never know their godly parent. Just give it a try

PERCY
So my dad is some god
That's great I guess…
Did he not want me? Or not want the stress?
Too bad he's the worst, and my life is a mess. Oh no

ENSEMBLE cheers

I hope he shows even a trace
Cause I got some choice words to throw in his face!

ALL
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe
Oh, things couldn't be worse

LUKE
But I don't care where our parents may be
As long as you are here with me

ALL
We don't care where our parents may be
As long as you are here with me
As long as you are here with me!

PERCY (spoken)
My mom's gone.

LUKE (spoken)
From this world. But if she's anywhere, she's in the Underworld.

PERCY (spoken)
I'll do it.

LUKE (spoken)
You will?

PERCY
Yeah, I'll do it
Not 'cause my dad needs me
He's been less a dad and more absentee
But if my mom's alive
That's where she's bound to be

I'm leaving now, I better pack
Hades took my mom, I'm taking her back

(spoken)
So what if no one's come back from the Underworld? I'll be the first

GROVER (spoken)
And I'll be the second first!

PERCY (spoken)
Grover, I can't ask you to come

GROVER
You're my best friend, dude, so don't get mad
But I suspect you'll need protecting when things get bad
And this kicking quest may be the best chance I've had
To put my past behind me

So if you haven't guessed
I'm coming on your killer quest

PERCY
So, bon voyage and fare me well

GROVER
We're gonna fight each foe, each curse, and spell

PERCY
We're gonna march straight down to the gates of hell

LUKE (spoken)
Underworld

PERCY (spoken)
Close enough

(sung)
I'm finally gonna pass a test

GROVER
We're going on a killer quest

(spoken)
Don't forget this: official Camp Half-Blood questing backpack.
It comes pre-packed with everything you need: gold drachmas, ambrosia squares, deodorant

ANNABETH (spoken)
You need me too, Seaweed Brain. If you're going to save the world,
I'm the best person to keep you from messing up

(sung)
Five long years stuck at camp
Underneath Athena's locked down clamp

Been waiting for my chance
To prove I'm champ

I've got mad battle strategy
My mom will be impressed
I'm coming on your killer quest

ALL
So blast the horns, get the flags unfurled
Past danger, slings, and arrows hurled
We're gonna march straight down to the Underworld

PERCY (spoken)
Luke, are you coming too?

LUKE (spoken)
I'm needed here, but how about something for the road?

PERCY (spoken)
Shoes, awesome… Shoes with wings, now that is awesome!
So, where is the Underworld?

LUKE (spoken)
Look for D.O.A. Records

PERCY (spoken)
It's a record company? Actually, I am not surprised

CLARISSE (spoken)
Don't get eaten by monsters

PERCY (spoken)
Monsters? Who said anything about monsters-?

CHIRON (spoken)
Have a great quest!

ALL
So we're half-bloods
Not gods but demi

GROVER
Won't go halfway, it's all not semi

ALL
It's up to us-

PERCY
So let me try my best

ALL
As we journey west
We're going on an awesome

PERCY
Dangerous and scary

ALL
Thrilling

ANNABETH
Monstrous

GROVER
And hairy

ALL
Killer
Hero's
Quest

MR. D
Oh, you're alive
I suppose that's good news for you
But it means a lot more paperwork for me

So don't expect me to be happy to see you
Of course, being alive is temporary

(spoken)
So, maybe if I go away and play pinochle for a few hours, things might improve.
For me. Not for you. You'd be dead.

PERCY (spoken)
Where am I?

MR. D
Great! You haven't been debriefed
This is way out of my pay grade
Which is saying a lot
'Cause I don't get paid

(spoken)
Someone find Professor Hay-for-breath and tell him Peter Johnson is awake,
so he better clip-clop over here!

PERCY (spoken)
It's Percy Jackson

MR. D (spoken)
Whatever!

(sung)
Just another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
When you're in charge
It's like you're cursed

(spoken)
Well, technically I am cursed. One romp in the woods with Zeus' favorite wood nymph,
and you're stuck running a summer camp for a bunch of needy half-bloods.

PERCY (spoken)
Half-blood?

MR. D (spoken)
Yeah, half-god, half-mortal. Does no one watch the orientation film?

PERCY (spoken)
Did you say half-god?

MR D (spoken)
Yeah. And I half-care
Who's next? Silena Beauregard!

[SILENA enters, crying]

Oh, great, she's crying.

SILENA (spoken)
I was walking in the strawberry fields with Charlie Beckendorf and we were holding hands
and everything was totally normal
and then I kissed him and all of a sudden he started growing sunflowers. Everywhere!

MR. D
Look, kid
I hate to be the one to tell you
But I think that Charlie Beckendorf was also holding hands with a nymph
That doesn't wanna to wish you well

To tell you the truth
The best thing is to break up with the guy

(spoken)
'Course, who am I to give relationship advice, I'm literally the god of alcohol

SILENA (spoken)
But he loves me-

MR. D (spoken)
He loves you not! Next!

(sung)
Another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
I'm the god of wine
And I'm dying of thirst

PERCY (spoken)
Wait, did you say you're a god?

MR. D (spoken)
Dionysus, god of wine. The gods are real. Yippy skippy.
Ah, Katie Gardner. I see you've injured your arm.

KATIE (spoken)
I fell off a pegasus (giggles).

MR. D (spoken)
You don't have flying lessons on Thursdays, you have archery.

KATIE (spoken)
Those arrows are made of wood! wood comes from trees! I refuse to participate
in any activity that encourages the senseless slaughter of our arboreal friends-

MR. D
Oh, gods
Give me Ares or Apollo
Anyone but the Demeter kids cabin

Now that you blessed us
Go talk to Hephaestus
Before I take a knife to my head and start stabbing

(spoken)
And stay away from the pegasi! Girls and ponies… Ah, speaking of ponies.

MR. BRUNNER (spoken)
Percy!

PERCY (spoken)
Mr. Brunner! What are you doing here?
This guy is saying all this crazy stuff about nymphs and gods and…
What is going on?

MR. BRUNNER (spoken)
It's… complicated-

MR. D
Oh kid,
You have no idea
About this place or your former mentor

I don't have time
To fill you in on the details
But look, he's also a centaur

(spoken) God!

[MR. BRUNNER is revealed to be CHIRON, and whinnies]

CHIRON (spoken)
I did mean to tell you…

MR. D
Another terrible day (PERCY: Mr. Brunner!)
At Camp Half-blood (PERCY: You're a horse!)
Where everything's the worst (PERCY: What is happening?)

Another terrible day
You can hate it here
But I hated it first

Just another terrible day
Stuck with these runts
In the muck and mud

Another terrible day
Oh gods!

(spoken) I need a drink

(sung)
Enjoy your stay
At Camp Half-blood

Luke: The Hermes cabin takes everyone who hasn't been claimed. You know what that means: we're literally the reject-cabin.