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I was in Chinatown, and, uh, you know one of the groceries- I know that’s not another country, but, uh, you know – ha ha ha – you-you know the grocery stores in Chinatown, they’re for the Chinese people, they eat their actual food, and, uh, I was in one of those, and they-they had duck vaginas, I swear to god. A huge barrel of fuckin’ duck vaginas… With a scoop stuck in it. Yeah! – and I’m standing there just staring at this fucking huge… And I’m thinking, could we possibly dominate a species more than that? – than that-we’re selling their vaginas in a fucking barrel. – Ducks are just like, “dudes… Jesus. “You won the war, take it easy, you don’t have to sell our vaginas.” – I didn’t get any, because I don’t want to know- what if I love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. – It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina, it would be very specific to be addicted to that. Not for me.
We have two – we have, uh, a baby, and I don’t really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn’t said anything, so I don’t really know her. Uh… – I like her, she’s fine, but I don’t know her. How do I know what she’s really like? Maybe she fuckin’ hates Jews, I don’t know, I don’t know nothing about her. – People ask about her all the time, they’re like, “hey, what’s your baby like?” she’s a fucking baby, what do you want- you ever seen a baby?
The other kid we have is, uh, she’s a girl and she’s 4, and she’s also a fucking asshole. Um… – it’s true, man. I’m serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole. She’s a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.
– … I just shit for a fucking hour, my ass dries out, I don’t care. I stay there ’cause I love shitting. That’s how old I am, I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call it number 2, I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s number 1.
– When you ask a parent, “hey, how’s the family?” we go, “great.” that’s all we ever say. It’s never fuckin’ great, but we say great, ’cause we’re not gonna tell you, “well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity,” and, “uh, my children are eating my dreams.” we don’t fucking bother you with that. We just say, “great.
